Offday Antics
by Dust in the Light-Crisi
Summary: Luke and Thalia take a day off at the mall and decide to spend it "ranking" people on how...ehem...bedable they are. Hilarity ensues. Major Thuke. Third oneshot: A Drunk Luke is on a mission: to touch Thalia's boobs by the end of the night. R&R
1. Mall Exploits

**Summary: Luke and Thalia take a day off at the mall and decide to spend it "ranking" people** **on how...ehem...bedable they are. Hilarity ensues.**

**I place this as being a little before they met Annabeth.  
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**Couplings: Major Thuke**

**Warnings: Vulgar language, mentions of sex (nearly constantly)**

**Disclaimer: Is this in Rick Roirdan's style like at all? No? Well, then I guess you have your answer on whether or not I own the series.**

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><p>They're adolescents. Of course this kind of thing comes up. The moment you hit puberty hormones take over and sex becomes fascinating, funny, awkward, fun, and gross all at the same time. Joking about bumping uglies becomes commonplace. It's naïve to say otherwise.<p>

And well, they're bored too. There's really not much to do today. Their bellies are full and neither is in danger of bleeding out, though he has a stupid Barbie band-aid on his wrist from a nice little slice yesterday. So they're at the local mall, leaned up against a wall and watching the shoppers aimlessly meander through the stores. He's got a grape slushie and she's got a cheap sundae she's picking through with a plastic spoon.

"Hey, what about him?" Luke asks, gesturing at a man in a crisp suit by the door.

Thalia looks towards him and gags. "2. Look at how he's walking? Too stiff. And he looks like a real stick in the mud besides."

Luke had to agree. He could hear the man arguing on the phone even from here. Who does that at a mall? And his hair looked like it was thoroughly saturated in gel Luke doubted even a piece would come out of place even if a lightning bolt struck him. Which could be arranged if he didn't shut the hell up soon. "Yeah, he does kind of have that douchebag vibe to him…"

"You're telling me." Thalia said, her eyes already searching for the next target. "Her?"

"Hmmm…at least a 4, although she was probably like a 8 when she was younger." Luke answered, eying the eighty-year-old who was rifling through her rather large purse for spare change. Milling around at her sides was a small army of grandchildren, hence Luke's point.

"No kidding. She's like a rabbit with all those midgets." Thalia answers. They go through another couple rounds, occasionally picking their own targets and occasionally letting each other chose.

Luke looks up and smiles at a passing woman with a heap of bags stacked on her arms. "7." He mutters to Thalia, who snorts as she tries not to choke on her ice cream. She sticks her spoon back into the bulk of it and laughs lightly.

"She's like fifty and kinda…okay extremely chunky." Thalia assesses.

"So? She just looks like she'd be good." He replies with a cool smirk.

"That's just plain old disgusting." Thalia laughs and dips her spoon. When she comes up again, she's looking past him. "Oooh, definitely a 8."

Luke looks over and snorts. "You really do like black and leather don't you? I don't think a single person who hasn't been wearing one or the other has scored above a 5."

"It's not just that. I mean look at the way he moves. Confident, like he owns this place. And he's got that bad boy vibe…"

"And the fact that he's got a tongue ring has nothing to do with it." Luke says.

"No…well maybe…Daymn scratch that, he's a 9." Luke shakes his head in disbelief. The guy Thalia's ogling at locks at the lips with a spiky haired goth girl. Luke has to wonder if they're ever going to come up for air. He's not a fan of PDA personally but it did make the game that much more fun.

What was the game you ask? Well, they were…rating people. How good they think that person would be…in bed. Not that either of them really knew a blessed thing about doing the nasty, but it was a fun way to pass the afternoon.

"You're predictable." Luke takes a deep swig of his slushie. He can't help but wonder if Thalia wishes she were the girl as she cocks her head to the side, admiring them like they're art. Like if she watches it she'll get some pointers.

Thalia pops the cherry into her mouth, stem and all, and says around it, "You're just jealous."

Luke spews out grape slushie out of his nose. " As if…Jealous of what?" He says quickly.

"Of his skill of course. I mean I can hear her from here. She sounds like she practically wants to mount him right here in the mall." Thalia smirks at his expression. She pulls out the cherry stem, smiling at the perfect little knot she just made. Luke's somewhat impressed and grossed out at the same time.

"That's just…gods Thalia you have a dirty mind." Luke says as he attempts to banish the mental image.

Thalia shrugs. "Yeah, I do. But then I'm not the one who thinks Mrs. Claus over there would be a riot."

Luke concedes she has a point but really that was more a joke and she knows it. He glances up and sees a blond girl, maybe a couple of years older than him, carrying a couple of uh…melons. "10." He says.

Thalia follows his gaze and Luke might have imagined it but he swears she's glaring at the girl. "Skill doesn't equal cleavage."

"But she looks like she has plenty of both." Luke replies coyly and Thalia lets out an irritated huff. "Now who's jealous?"

"Of what? Her ability to afford implants?" Thalia replies.

Luke gives her that smug smile that he knows that she hates and she slugs his arm. Fuck that hurts. Damn it why does he have to irritate a girl who can literally boast that she's Heracles' little, little, little half sister? He rubs his arm. But he supposes he deserves it. A little.

Blonde passes by close and he's a little shocked when she gives him the elevator and a small, flirty smile paired with a wink. And he's having a little trouble keeping it together. Unfortunately Thalia notices and sends her THE most withering glare. Like an "I-will-follow-you-home-and-use-your-house-for-kindling-and-your-head-for-a-marshmellow" type glare and the blond looks away and picks up her pace, putting some distance between them. Unfortunately that leaves Luke to be the one on the receiving end of that glare.

"Hey! It's not my fault. She looked at me!" Luke says before realizing he really has no reason to be defending himself. It's not like he's dating Thalia so it shouldn't matter.

"But you looked at HER too!" Thalia says back. Ho-boy he's in for it now.

Kissy-lips-leather-jacket comes by with his arm around his girl. "Tough luck bro." He remarks as he passes. "Hang in there."

Luke's like a deer in the headlights of a semi going 80 mph. And guess who the semi is? Damn he's glad he didn't use that comparison out loud though after he thinks about it. She's already looking like she's about ready to electrocute him. No reason to add more fuel to the fire.

All at once, the fury vanishes. Just when his life was starting to flash before his eyes. "No, it's okay. Sorry I overreacted." Thalia frowns.

Luke's brain needs a moment to catch up. Well, maybe longer. She's making no sense to him. Her anger and now her sudden 180. She looks almost sad and he's gone from fearing for his life and/or manhood to wanting to comfort her. And damn if it's not confusing.

"I'm sorry too. Let's just get back to having fun." Luke says after a moment of deliberating.

And so they go back to their immature game and have a good time at the mall in general. Rating people officially has to be the funniest, yet cruelest game Luke's ever played. At least the subjects can't hear them.

However, Luke would never play it again. Why? Well, what happened at the end of the day, as they sauntered out of the building of course!

"Hey Luke?" Thalia says nervously, wringing her hands. That was a sign.

"Yeah?" Luke answers, oblivious to the bombshell she's about to drop on him. He really walked into this one.

"…what would you rate me?" She says it in such an undertone that he does the auditory equivalent of double-taking. Of course, he'd do that anyway.

"What?" He asks, his mouth going annoyingly dry and his voice picking that moment to crack a little.

"…you heard me." Thalia answers, her arms crossed across her chest self-consciously.

"Well…I…sort of…I mean…you…" Luke's blushing. He just knows it. His cheeks are pulling a Rudolph and he looks like a buffoon.

Thalia sighs. "Don't hurt yourself there, dufus. Look, just forget I asked." She responds, taking his bumbling as a poor answer. She starts to walk away ahead of him.

…She never does find out what he'd give her. Of course, she'd have been too young then anyways (they both had) but as he watched her walk away, he mutters.

"10."

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><p><strong>Like the unexpected little bit of fluff mixed in with the shmut?<strong>

**If you liked it please review. I've got more possibly planned that are a little more risque that will be put on this story.**

**~Crisi**


	2. Period

**It should be noted that this one is not for everyone guys. There's still some sexual fun and little Thuke teasers, but well it's also a highly awkward situation. One that I've always kind of wondered about. All these coming of age stories like Percy Jackson where the girl never really gets much of an introduction to the sex-ed classes...well, you'll see.  
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**Anyways, Thalia is eleven here and Luke's thirteen. Takes place a good many months before the last oneshot. **

**Warnings: sexual references and sheer awkwardness.**

**Enjoy!  
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><p>For all her joking about it or putting up a coolheaded, experienced façade, Thalia actually didn't know very much about sex or her own body. She'd picked up almost all she knew from eavesdropped conversations between her mother and the men she bedded back when Thalia'd been too naïve to know just what they were talking about. That or the few times she'd had access to the internet, she'd googled it maybe once. Okay twice. And both had left her both disgusted and…intrigued. She'd never really had the opportunity to…learn anything from the awkward family life talks the older kids always complained about and never had the misfortune of having "the talk" with her mother.<p>

She'd noticed her body was changing over the last few years. She'd developed curves and her face seemed to have thinned, the angles growing harsher. There was coarse hair in places there hadn't been before and the little hairs on her legs grew explosively, much to her annoyance. She'd broken down and bought a bra finally four months back, finding the increasing volume of her chest to be uncomfortable when running around for her life. She'd bought the wrong size though, having no clue that there was that much of a difference between a training bra and a regular B-cup. Not that it mattered all that much; she grew into it pretty fast. Originally she found it both restricting and comforting at the same time. And a bit awkward. But she'd gotten use to it and found it almost comfortable now.

Nearly every girl she met over the age of thirteen had breasts. Getting boobs hadn't been a big surprise for Thalia. She'd expected it actually. Getting her period, however, had. She'd been more than a little freaked out the first time she woke up to find blood in her underwear. In fact, she'd very nearly shrieked and spent the morning racing around wondering if she was sick or wracking her mind, trying to figure out what hurt her and when. And why the bleeding wouldn't stop. She was half-way tempted to try some ambrosia or go to the hospital.

In the king of awkward moments, it was Luke who calmly explained to her about periods. It was an embarrassing conversation…one she'd prefer to erase from her memory if possible. Him knowing more about her body than she did, not to mention the general concept, had left her flushed and mortified.

"So…what do I…do about it?" Thalia asks.

Luke's not looking too much better, fidgeting and looking very much like he just wants to abandon her. Evidently, he's not enjoying this too much more than she is. "Pardon?"

"How do fix it or whatever?" Other than digging a hole and hiding in it permanently. As she was sorely tempted to do rather than face this.

"I…well my mom use to send me out to buy feminine napkins." His cheeks redden deeper at the memory.

"Whosa whaza?" Thalia isn't sure she likes the sound of that. The dreaded Feminine word…

"Just come on." He drags her to a tiny connivance store and sends her down the aisle with pads and tampons and…other things that reredden her cheeks and send an oddly cold yet somehow pleasant shiver down her spine. But she has no idea what to get. What's the difference between a maxi and a regular? And what the heck exactly is a tampon? She gets the concept of a pad but…she examines the instructions and feels queasiness settle in. You put it…where? Oh gods, kill her now!

She ends up having to flag Luke back down, a couple packets of feminine products clutched against her chest. He reluctantly returns to her and tries to look supportive but he's failing miserably. Still, she appreciates the effort. Although his advice is less than helpful, she does revel in the way his voice has gone all squeaky as he tries to share the abysmally little knowledge he has on the topic.

She ends up picking out a simple pack of pads, forsaking the tampons and the horror they present. Maybe one day she'll get up the guts to try them…okay maybe not. Still, one more horror faces her: facing the cashier. She knows she needs them but…buying them it practically announcing to the world that she has her period and she's expecting the cashier to give her a disgusted look. It's silly and she knows it. But still.

There's only one person working at the convenience store, which is not very convenient if you ask her. An old man with crinkled skin that looks like a prune. She instantly loses her nerve and squirms in her skin. She can't buy…pads from him! But on the other hand, she really needs them. She's already changed three times and only has one more set of sweats that she can waste on this before she either has to wash cloths or run around with blood on her bum. Reddening she starts toward the register, Luke plodding around a distance behind. Not too close but not too far. Not really too supportive.

The man regards her with milky eyes and she loses her nerve again. She should just steal them! She'd rather just steal them! Her mind's busy calculating how best to slip out of the stole with her contraband toiletries when he clears his throat. "May I help you?" His voice is gruff and does nothing to relieve the irrational fear building in her. She opens her mouth to answer, but then flees back to Luke's side. Like a damn coward. Why is this so god damn hard?

"What's the matter?" Luke says.

"I'm…too embarrassed to buy these." She answers hesitantly. Luke lets out a condescending chortle. "It's not funny!"

"It's just I never thought I'd see you afraid of a cashier." Luke answers with one of his best annoying smirks.

Thalia glares knives and daggers and imagines eviscerating him. It does wonders to her mood.

"Think we can lift it?" Thalia asks in an undertone after a moment, studying the old man. It's possible he has cataracts. He might not even be able to see them from here. But he probably has video feed…

"No…ugh just give it here." Luke sighs in resignation. Thalia tosses him the package of pads like it's a hot potato. He goes up to the front of the store while Thalia leans against the wall and tries to ignore her cramping stomach.

"Buying those for your girlfriend?" The man asks when Luke produces the package onto the counter. Luke flushes.

"No she's not my girlfriend. Just my friend." He recovers quickly.

The man chuckles. "Well then you're a good friend. I don't know many 'friends' who would buy their lady friend's toiletries." He adds something in an undertone that Thalia can't quite make out from here but it makes Luke blanch and the remainder of his face goes bright scarlet. Thalia can't help but chuckle at that. Away from the desk, this is actually pretty funny.

"Is that so?" Luke replies for the lack of anything better to say. He forks over a couple bills to pay, encouraging the man to move faster. But he's like a tortoise and Thalia's getting ansty. The man's digging through his register and slowly picking the appropriate change.

Finally the man finishes and Luke tears away from him like he can't get away fast enough. He tosses Thalia the package without even looking at her and the two exit the store together with a "Thank you, please come again!" from the old man.

"Not likely." Luke murmurs. Thalia's inclined to agree.

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><p><strong>Poor Thalia and Luke. I just couldn't help but put them in this situation though.<strong>

**Anyways, tell me if you liked it, hate it, or what not. I won't be poking this topic(meaning periods) again most likely, not even in passing. Next time who knows? Maybe I'll get a little grittier. Depends on my mood I do suppose**. **If I didn't say so before, my** **rating of this mostly stems from the fact that I consider PJO to be a fairly pure fandom. If I was writing this for a different fandom it would be more than likely rated T with warnings.**

**However I've been mulling over something that would be more worthy of an M rating. If I decide to pursue it then you can be sure I'll be posting it here.**

**Until next time, **

**~Crisi**


	3. Boobies

**Well, I've got another one for you guys. Time after time these ideas hit me late at night XD. ****This one kept me up a bit last night**, **so I hope you guys like it.**

**Summary: Late one night, Luke and Thalia decide to get drunk and Luke makes a less-than-pure resolution about Thalia**. **I'll let you decide how old they are.**

**Warnings: Underaged drinking, swears, and boob-related situations.**

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><p>She hiccups beside him and gives this damn goofy grin that's so fucking funny to him for some reason. He laughs like a hyena and it's contagious. Soon they're both howling to the moon with no idea what they're laughing at. He tries to cut himself off and takes a swig of vodka, diluted by tangy cool aid. Hers has coke in it and they keep switching back and forth as their arms play musical chairs over the glasses.<p>

It wasn't his idea…well it was, but she sure as Hades was on board. Shit, she was the one who procured the cheep liqueur from the store while he provided a distraction (by knocking over an entire rack of glass bottles and then dipping out with the shop keeper hot on his heals, yelling his fool head off. He didn't even notice her slipping out with a bottle under her jacket.) He's really a bad influence on her, he thinks with a cheeky grin.

They're under a bridge just on the outskirts of town. It may be foolish to be getting drunk given all the monsters lately but hey, ambrosia works well for clearing your system. They've both got a square in arms reach and he's not going to let a bunch of monsters keep him from a night of indulgence.

He's gotten drunk before and he can tell the same is true for Thalia. His mother kept a meager stash but she never was really good at keeping track of it. She was so oblivious that she'd replenish her stores without even realizing her son was absolutely wasted in the other room. Really kind of a sad thought and he doesn't want to be sad right now so he drops it.

Instead he focuses on Thalia. Thalia's nice. He likes Thalia. A lot. He denies it during the day but he's tired of it and he wonders for a moment if he should try to kiss her. Would she let him? Or would she slap him? He peers at her not-so-subtly and notes how ridiculously inebriated she is…maybe he could get away with more than just kissing? He wonders how she'd react if he tried to touch her breasts. He's a boob guy. Boob guy, hehe. Boobies. That's a pleasant thought.

But she'd probably hit him. Actually she'd definitely hit him. Hammered or not she wouldn't be that loose, would she? Thalia has nice boobs he thinks. Or at least they look nice anyway. Perky he thinks is the word he's looking for. And that shirt's driving him nuts, the way it seems to make her sizable (for her age) chest pop. While he doesn't necessarily dig the whole lace-and-skulls thing at first, he won't lie she makes it down right sexy. Should he risk it? Was it worth the risk? Is he seriously thinking of taking advantage of her in this state? Yes. Yes he is. Consequences be damned he resolves by the end of the night he'll touch her boobs.

"This is great. Everything is great. You're great, Luke." Thalia drawls, reaching out to...hug him?(dear gods, how plastered is she?) but failing miserably and getting a face full of dirt. She chuckles stupidly.

"We should do this more often. You're so laid back right now and funny." He answers blatantly. He doubts they've ever talked as frankly as they are right now.

She beams at him. "I am, amn't I?" She rolls over on the ground, making a very un-Thalia-like "woohoo" like she's having the time of her life rolling around in the dirt. But there's more than dirt down here. Nasty things happen beneath bridges after all and he's pretty sure when she sits up there's a used condom caught in her hair for a moment before she shakes her head and it flies off in some unspecified direction.

Used condoms. Hmm that's just asking for his mind to go down a very very dirty direction involving lots of N rated situations. Well, Luke's discovered something new about himself tonight. He's a horny/funny drunk with a touch of melancholy here and there. And Thalia? She's a funny/chatty drunk with a dose of god-knows-what-else.

She's still smiling in his general direction although her eyes are a little glazed and…smoldering. Wait, is she even possibly thinking half as nasty as he is right now? Because that excites him.

He's wondered before and often what she thinks of him. When they finally stopped hating each other…well all of the sudden he found she was actually pretty cool. Even though she seemed to like a little too much to beat him up. Which is a problem tonight. Damn, he's getting cold feet about his mission. He just knows that if she remembers tomorrow what happens tonight he'll be lucky to get away with anything less than a concussion and a significantly reduced sperm count from the ball she'll probably kick to death in retaliation. He likes his balls to stay intact, thank you very much.

But yet her chest is so inviting…decisions, decisions. He weighs his options as she continues to yammer about something or another. He's in a deadlock when he hears it. A low guttural growl that makes his hair stand on end. A hellhound interrupts his thoughts and both of them instantly snack on their ambrosia cubes. A burning shoots through Luke as his head clears and they're both on the move.

It doesn't take much to dispatch the hellhound. Thalia gets hit once by a swipe of that thing's great paw; her arm's cut open pretty deep but she insists after they've dispatched the beast it'll be okay to just bandage it. Less than a minute later and the hellhound's bleeding from it's great neck and melting back into the shadows as its essence returns to Tartarus.

It's a total mood kill and Luke doesn't have an excuse now to act lewd, yet he's disappointed about not being able to achieve his goal. Man, he has a one track mind tonight. He's busy washing out her wound with a splash of alcohol and sewing it shut with a needle and nylon thread and yet all he can think of is her boobs.

She's not in the mood to get herself drunk again, she declares. She just wants to sleep; she's worn out and this was a bad idea, she keeps reiterating. He gets the sense that she blames him but she's not saying anything.

She gives him first watch, which suits him fine. He's not tired yet. She can sleep off her wound. It's a couple hours into his watch (and admittedly more than a few sips of liquor) that a "brilliant" idea occurs to him. He determined while he was drunk that he wasn't above taking advantage of drunk Thalia, what about sleeping Thalia? He just has to be more careful and quiet.

It's a slow tentative hand that reaches out to touch her. They're as good as he thought they'd be; he has to restrain himself from getting…ahem overzealous. He doesn't want to wake her up. She's a moderate sleeper and won't startle awake easy, but that doesn't mean she's a rock.

But morning light brings two revelations that ensure he'll probably never drink again. One: they can eat all the ambrosia they want and "burn off" the alcohol, but they're still going to be heaving out their guts in the morning. Two: Thalia was less asleep than he'd hoped. He's going to be feeling the repercussions of his drunken mistake for say…the rest of his life? Yeah, pretty much sums it up. He expects to be singing soprano for at least a month.

Although, if she knew he was doing it…then why didn't she stop him?

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><p><strong>Poor guy. You know, all these stories and oneshots and over half of them involve some serious Luke abuse. Maybe I'm unconsciously punishing him or maybe it's just fucking hilarious. Who can say?<strong>

**Well, next time I actually do have a legitimate story idea that occurred to me last night. And Annabeth's going to be around for that one. Expect mentions of porno videos(nothing explicit) and extreme awkwardness as Luke and Thalia sit Annabeth down to give her something equivalent to "the talk" after the incident. Yeah, Annabeth's going to be mortified when she finds out what I have planned for her...*evil grin***

**Annabeth: Meep?**

**Until next time, **

**~Crisi**


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